To the one who got away

It has been three days since you left me. If only I could keep a count on how many days left til I finally let go of you. I know that I am too strong to fall apart by this one blow. I am too smart to cry over someone who was not meant to stay by my side. I am too complete in myself to think any less of myself after you left a you-shaped hole in my heart. I realize who I am and say what you will about that person but she does not break easily. I may not know how many days it takes me to let go of you but I am not naive enough to believe this is the end of the world. It’s not. In the blink of an eye, I will no longer remember the way you said my name and the feeling it stirred in me. I will not think about your hands on my skin, for one second. I will not crave for your lips on mine. I will feel nothing when I see you calling someone else “mine” with the same fire in your eyes as you used to have when you used to claim me. My heart will not flutter upon seeing your name appear on my cellphone screen (if it ever did). My heart will not yearn to see those exquisite brown eyes of yours speaking to me languages far too complicated for both of us to comprehend. I will not ache to touch your forehead and push back your unruly hair. I will not replay the moment you left, in my mind a thousand times over. I will stop reliving that torment at all.  And when I look at you in the hallway between classes, everything else will stay intact around us and not crumble to pieces until it’s just you and me in the universe, the way it used to. I will pass you by and may be, just may be, our shoulders will brush but your touch will not awake any kind of pain, love, lust or madness in me. I will smile, laugh, and love again.

But right now my world is falling apart. I can’t breathe. I bury my face in a pillow and scream every 5 minutes because mere tears are not enough to let out all the pain that’s inside. Right now, I can’t stop thinking about the way you said my name and a thousand stars lit up in my eyes, the way your arms felt so strong yet so gentle around me, the way I felt a thousand butterflies flutter in my belly when you told me you loved me. Most of all I can’t stop thinking about the way you looked at me right before you told me you were leaving. And it pains me more than I thought I was capable of enduring. Right now, no matter who tells me how amazing and strong I am and how this heartbreak will not even matter two years from now, it will not help ease the pain. All the chocolate, rom-coms, Taylor Swift songs, jokes, rebounds and motivational talk in the world can not help me. And right now, no matter how strong I am, no matter how better off without each other we are, it hurts me to breathe. It hurts to exist in a world where you are not mine. And it hurts to think of a time when it will stop hurting because then, I would have lost whatever little I have left of you; pain.

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