My ordeal begins when the day is over and it’s time to put my rusty, useless brain to sleep because then, all the thoughts I keep trying to suppress all day come rushing back and attack me while I’m defenseless. I can’t help but lie there as my very own mind torments me. No activity to engage myself in- just me and my thoughts. Notions of you. Thoughts that come like tornadoes nearly obliterating me, memories that destroy me like a mighty typhoon destroys a puny straw in its path, while I close my knackered eyes and wait for the goddess of sleep to have mercy on my helplessness and take me into its loving embrace, save me from my mind and my wretched heart. Oh but, the torture does not end here, there’s more I have to endure. There’s you, like a scornful spirit, haunting me. They say evil spirits roam around at night, haunting deserted places and scaring sweet little children. Well, they don’t lie. For you are a wicked spirit that’s haunting this ruination-me. No matter how glittery and gleeful the facade seems in broad daylight, its bound to be haunted at nights, cursed to spend each waking moment in excruciating pain, trying to get rid of its ghost. This ghost is no ordinary ghost, in fact. It, too, is cursed. Cursed to love me so drastically that it can never get away. My ghost and I, we’re both doomed to love each other when there’ naught but night. This is the story of why I am always loggerheads with night.
I remember when I was a kid, my dad and I passed a military horse farm on a road trip. “When a horse gets injured or too old to walk, they shoot him so it would not have to suffer or be a burden”, daddy told me. I found that heart-breakingly brutal, back then. It’s a pity those beautiful creatures had to die that way.
Today, seeing how things are turning out for you and I, I perceive there’s only one solution. We have to kill the relationship to save it the misery, to save ourselves the burden of lies and halfhearted promises. It may seem agonizing but it’s brutally merciful to us. Just like daddy said, “it’s better to kill the horse than dragging it while it’s drenched in suffering.” Our relationship is a wounded horse now, just barely alive enough to breathe. We have to euthanize our relationship in order to spare our dear hearts the ordeal.